Messy Middlescence

Podcast by Tara (Conti) Bansal and Christina (Conti) Donovan

Messy Middlescence

Like adolescence – "Middlescence" is a time of tremendous change touching most aspects of our lives. There are the physical and hormonal changes but also many of the rhythms, relationships and frameworks that have dominated our lives for decades all start to shift in ways that are unbalancing at best – seismic at worst. Our podcast will explore the challenges and opportunities of these unique “middle” years. However – ours will be different because it is one of sharing, exploring and figuring things out together. It is "messy" because we do not have answers but we hope to discover some. We hope to motivate and / or guide listeners to actively change both their perspective and day-to-day reality of this unique time. We also aim to create a supportive connected community of listeners with similar struggles and questions. We truly hope you will join us!

Latest episodes

28 May 2025

Legacy, Luck, and Learning to Do Hard Things with Tim Conti

Last holiday season, Tara and Tina found themselves laughing over an ad for one of those quirky “Family Questions” games. One sample question stood out: “Who in your family would you ask for help if you needed to bury a body?” Without hesitation - and independently - we both came up with the same answer – our younger brother, Tim.

This may sound like an odd way to introduce Tim and our discussion with him --but it perfectly captures Tim’s unique personality and skill set. He’s the sibling you call in a pinch - resourceful, unflappable, and endlessly loyal.

Tim is the 5th of our 7 siblings (and coincidentally the 5th sibling to be interviewed on Messy Middlescence) and he very recently turned 51. Tim is a problem solver, a people person of the highest order, a hilarious storyteller, goal-oriented, and, yes, famously stubborn. In our family he is known for saying “I know a guy…” or “I have a buddy…” always leading into either a wild story or an impressive display of his vast network of friends and colleagues.

We are excited to talk with Tim about his middlescence journey and to give our Messy Middlescence audience the opportunity to get to know him. Some of the topics we delve into with Tim include the following:

Tim’s circuitous journey to a rewarding and successful career;
The important skills he learned in his non-career jobs which ultimately set him up for success in his career;
A lively debate on the importance of luck/chance in any career;
His desire to volunteer and devote more time to his many interests when he retires;
The key lessons he has learned thus far which made a huge impact on his life including the need to prioritize what is important and learning how to do the hard things we would rather avoid;
Pride in his family and their beautiful, messy “differences”.
How middle age has shifted his goals to be more about his children and retirement
The difficulties of the physical changes that occur in middle age; he simply can’t athletically do what he did 10 years ago;
His thoughts on retirement; how he will likely not stop working completely but transition to a less stressful job.

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48:52

13 May 2025

Graduation Gift Ideas

🎓 Graduation Gift Ideas for Every Graduate and Budget

In this timely episode, Tara Conti Bansal and Christina Conti Donovan dive into the whirlwind of graduation season, sharing personal stories, favorite traditions, and dozens of creative and meaningful gift ideas for high school and college grads. Whether you're shopping for your own child, a godchild, a family friend, or a neighbor, Tara and Tina offer insights that blend sentimentality with practicality — perfect for marking one of life's biggest transitions.

🎁 Topics Covered:

Personal Graduation Memories: Watches, teddy bears, class rings, and sentimental keepsakes that stood the test of time.
High School vs. College Gifts: Why it's easier to shop for high school grads and when to opt for cash.
Classic & Practical Gift Ideas:
- Jewelry, luggage, digital photo frames
- Toolboxes, monogrammed items, travel accessories
- Coffee makers, electric kettles, portable steamers, and power banks
Thoughtful Personal Touches:
- Personalized quote books or Shutterfly creations
- Music playlists with shared memories
- Framed photo collages from school years
Top Book Recommendations:
- Make Your Bed – William McRaven
- This is Water – David Foster Wallace
- How to Be a Grownup – R. Grimberg
- The Psychology of Money – Morgan Housel
- Designing Your Life – Burnett & Evans
- …and many more
Financially Savvy Gifts:
- Roth IRA starter contributions
- Gift cards or money with a meaningful token
- Financial planning session(s) for new grads
Gender and Age Considerations:
- Why shopping for boys or college grads can be trickier
- Gender-neutral and location-based gift ideas (e.g. city guidebooks)
Creative Pairings:
- Stationery with pens for thank-you notes
- Money inside keepsake boxes, mugs, or cookbooks
- Combining sentimental and practical into one thoughtful package

✨ Tara and Christina remind us that graduation gifts don’t have to be extravagant — the best gifts are thoughtful, useful, or personally significant. Whether you’re leaning practical or nostalgic, this episode will help you celebrate your graduate meaningfully and memorably.

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33:16

29 April 2025

Little p's

Questions such as “What is my purpose?” or “Why am I here” often gain importance as we age. These are big intimidating questions and the answers are unique for each individual. Many of our guests on Messy Middlescence have shared their own personal struggles and triumphs with these questions. Today, we discuss a different perspective on purpose which reframes "purpose" with a "little p" versus a "big P”. We at Messy Middlescence did not originate this idea of viewing purpose with a "little p," but it truly resonated with us.

So, it may seem a bit strange, but in our episode today we recommend and discuss a podcast separate from ours which we think does a great job confronting the questions of life purpose and meaning. The podcast is titled “The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos” and the episode we discuss is “How to Find Your Purpose” which features Dr. Jordan Drumet.

Dr. Santos and Dr. Drumet contend that purpose does not need to be some grand goal or need to save the world. Rather, they view purpose with a “little p” and believe that it is the “seemingly small and everyday actions” that can provide purpose and meaning in our lives. Their perspective on purpose with a “little p” makes the question of purpose much more accessible. They give many real-life examples of “little p” along with practical steps and methods to help individuals find their own “little p’s”.

We hope you will listen to their podcast AND our discussion of it. In either order. Some of the ideas you will hear in our episode include:

Our lives do not and should not have one big purpose; it is unrealistic and intimidating;
“little p” purpose involves following and doing the things that bring you joy and fulfillment; most people have many/multiple “little p’s” in their life;
The importance of understanding the differences between our “essential” self and our “social” self (as defined by Martha Beck) and the difficulties of truly listening to our “essential” self;
The danger of losing the sense of joy in an activity or interest when it becomes tied to money or success;
The pressure to do what we excel at or what comes easiest;
The benefits of creating/creativity without worrying about the results;
Resisting the urge to push our children towards a specific path or to force our expectations on to them;
The process of finding “little p’s” in your life can help everyone, regardless of age, income or status (i.e. not just for the wealthy and privileged) but requires time and patience.
The idea of a “life review” before you reach your deathbed.

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32:01

15 April 2025

Empowered Aging with Margie Zable Fisher

The Cabernet Club, released in January 2025, is a novel that follows Debbie Gordon as she seeks big changes and fulfillment in the second half of her life. The book is a light, funny and captivating read that still manages to highlight and explore many of the more serious aspects of the middlescence journey. It is co-authored by the late Rona S. Zable and her daughter, Margie Zable Fisher.

In today’s episode we speak with Margie Zable Fisher about her new book, The Cabernet Club, her mother, writing fiction and Margie’s own middlescence journey. There are so many topics we wanted to delve into with Margie who left her long-time career in PR to become a full-time writer after age 50. Margie (as was her mother) is both a huge proponent, as well as a prime example, of the importance of using your middle age years to create the life you want. Margie introduces the idea of “empowered aging” as she discusses the challenges and successful steps she embarked on when she turned 50.

We hope you find our conversation with Margie as delightful and fascinating as we did.

Some of the many topics we discuss include:

“The Margie Project” which was a year of intentional experiences when she turned 50 and how it ultimately left her feeling better and more empowered;
The importance of friendship – especially as we age – along with the idea that being a friend is a skill that we can learn and improve;
Margie’s loss of her mother, the promise she made to her, and how that changed her life;
How and why she shifted careers from PR to freelance writing;
The steps Margie took to learn how to write fiction
The belief that it is possible to have a happy retirement on a budget;
The comparisons between Rona Grable and Debbie Gordon, the protagonist of The Cabernet Club.
The plans for the next two books which will continue with The Cabernet Club characters.

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58:30

01 April 2025

Colleen's Story

One of the most difficult aspects of middle age is the continual reminder and realization of how fragile life is. This is not to say that terrible things do not happen to young people – they definitely do. However, for many of us – by the time we reach our 40’s and 50’s - we have either experienced or repeatedly witnessed lives that drastically change in an instant. It is almost as if a blindfold is removed and what we once thought of as “unthinkable” is more common than we believed. Tragic events, accidents, and diagnoses occur suddenly and then life as we know it (or as people we care about know it), is abruptly and completely shattered. The inevitable truth that life is both tremendously fragile and fleeting becomes something we understand and feel more deeply as we age.

As we continue our series this season on grief and loss, our guest today is Colleen Albright, who graciously and courageously shares her story of unthinkable losses. She shares her story in hopes that it will help others.

Colleen's life was a tapestry of joy and challenges, raising her children and thriving in a career she loves. On December 1^st 2022, a seemingly ordinary day in Coleen’s life, everything changed for her. And then it changed again. And again. In less than a year, Colleen experienced the deaths of her teenage son, her mother, her father and underwent a divorce.

She experienced a “before and after” that “obliterated” the person she was. Her story is not an easy one to hear but she tells it with a poise and grace that astounded us. Colleen offers many insights into navigating midlife's unpredictable challenges with courage and hope including:

There is no blueprint for grief. It is not linear. It is messy. And everyone grieves in different ways.
Grief is exhausting; grief is work.
For those who lose loved ones, you never get over it and it is important to embrace and accept that. There is no going back to who you were. There is no “normal” anymore.
Grief support groups are similar to finding a therapist – you don’t always click and it might take some effort to find one that you connect with and will help you.
The people that helped Colleen the most were not the ones she would have expected before this happened. Many people - no matter how much they care - just do not know what to do to support someone deeply grieving.
The feeling of time changes in grief. It progresses but feels different.
Let your grieving person talk. It is a gift for them to tell stories, memories and talk about their loved one.
There is no need to say anything to a grieving person. Do not say that it will be ok; do not say they need to stop crying or take a deep breath. Allow each person to grieve in the way they need to; allow them to be and do whatever they need.
The “fog” of grief is real and can last a long time.

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59:58

19 March 2025

Continuously Seeking with Alexa Dare

There are numerous definitions of the word “seeker”. The one that resonated with us most describes a seeker as “…characterized by a persistent and often intense curiosity, a desire to understand and explore and a willingness to question and learn”.

In today’s episode we interview our sister-in-law, Dr. Alexa Dare, Ph.D (Alex is married to our brother, Patrick, the 6^th of the 7 siblings in the Conti family). In the early minutes of our interview, Alex describes herself as a seeker and, as the interview unfolds, we learn exactly why. In describing her childhood, her professional life, her love of travel and the outdoors we see the true embodiment of that definition. And while for some people these qualities might diminish with age, as Alex approaches her 50^th birthday, her desire to learn new things, to strive for a deeper understanding of the world and to embrace new challenges is as strong as ever. But Alex’s middlescence journey is not without its own uncertainties and questioning struggles.

We hope you will join us as we discuss these challenges with Alex along with the following:

- Her childhood in Canada and the many places she has lived and traveled since then;
- Her “need” for time outdoors and her love of nature;
- The appeal of “doing nothing” and the difficulties of trying to plan such a thing;
- The plans for her next two big adventures;
- Her middlescence professional struggles;
- The generational differences around the definition of and questions about middle age;
- How to measure and define happiness and success;
- Her superpower of “adaptability”;
- What she is most proud of;
- Reframing the idea of retirement around work and time commitments; “working less and with more flexibility"

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57:10